Another's.

I'm happy. Centered.

I take

fluffy bits of happiness.

home with me.

everytime I

come home.

What brought this on? Well, I was looking for something fun to do. Not the usual stuff, the movies, the novels, TV, hanging out, etc. Something different. Something I wouldn't actually consider fun at first glance. However, I would never have picked out reading the unabridged original version of R and J as a 'fun' pastime, had I not found the 1996 movie 'Romeo + Juliet' in my laptop last week. I'd copied it from a friend, and then forgotten about it. One week later, there it is, the inspiration for this adventure.

Romeo + Juliet. Hmmm. I know the story, everybody does, but I've never read it. My whole generation, even though most of us probably have never read the actual play, know the story thanks to the thousands of movies, books, pop culture references inspired by it. Ooh, Leonardo Di Caprio! Yum. Ok, Let's watch.

5 minutes into the movie I realised I wasn't understanding much. I mean I was getting the gist, the overall whats-happening, but I wasn't getting the dialogues. What were they saying?? When I don't understand the talking it drives me crazy. So I downloaded subtitles. Okay.

WTF. The subtitles are as cryptic as the dialogues. They're English, but I don't know what in the world they mean! That's when this thought started forming in my mind.

I have read Shakespeare before, but not much. The original Shakes. Difficult to get, talking in riddles, ancient words and phrases no one uses now - that kind. There was some of it in high school(very little, though; Karnataka State syllabus, don't you know). Some(Julius Caeser, A midsummer night's dream, Hamlet) I read for pleasure, and also to see if I could do it. But it was a long time ago. I remember very little of the plays now. I do remember Anthony's speech(Awesome, gives me goosebumps), I remember Puck. That's about it. So, I thought, why not R and J? And that's how it all began.

Of course there were a few things I didn't think of.

1) The man. Now normally it's not necessary to know much about the author to read and enjoy his work, but it's Shakes man! Got to make an exception. I already knew some stuff(one of the greatest playwrights, the bard, introduced 40,000+ words to the English vocab, probably gay but married twice and had kids so probably bi actually) but wanted to know more. I remembered that I had 'Shakespeare; the world as a stage' by Bill Bryson stowed in my cupboard, never read(I thanked the past me for picking up the book randomly some 2 years ago, without knowing when I'll get the urge to read it). On your marks.

2) The play. I knew I needed help interpreting the play. This is how I learned this lesson.

After deciding on this great plan, I opened the copy and plunged right into Act 1, Scene 1, fully motivated. The first few lines were like this:

Wait, what?

You get my point. Pre-www, I would have hit the bookstores/library for a study guide. Now, I just googled. Hallelujah! Get set.

3) What do I do with it? When I picked up my pre-ordered copy of 'Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows' in (Ah, what a beautiful Saturday morning that was!), I decided to pace my reading by writing down my impressions after each chapter. This time, I decided to do something similar. Instead of just reading and digesting, I'd be reading and expressing.

So, armed with my Shakes trivia book, my Google, and this blog, I begin this journey. You're welcome to travel with me, as I navigate this monument to the concept of LOVE(in caps). Go!

1) I want to live a beautiful life and write about it. Publish it, so that others are inspired to live beautiful lives and write about it.

2) I want a lifestyle makeover - pretty house, cars, cash, clothes, jewellery, watches, gadgets, toys, books, spa, etc. Loads of money.

3) Travel - I wanna go there. I want to go, experience, share, write about it.

4) Charity - my NGO - education, learning, libraries, prevention against abuse, kids.

5) I want to do what I want to do - read, write, sing, dance, learn to play, sports. I want to spend all day like this.

6) Parents, bro - I want to give them all that they want. The golden life.

7) I want to grow into the person, the businesswomen, the spirit, the networker I was born to be. The best me I can be.

Well, this is a beginning. I'll update on each aspect soon.

I don't know what I want in life. Who I want to be. But that's ok. What is disturbing is that I wasn't willing to move my ass out of my comfort zone and try to find out!

Comfort zone! That's a joke. What I was in, what I'm just getting out of is my anasthesia zone! I was so paralysed, so inert! I knew, deep in my heart, that this is not my destiny. Practically everyone who loves me knows that this is not what I was born to be. But I was stuck, unwilling to move!

Why was I so stubborn, so averse to facts? Did I think I had a long time to live, and would eventually, someday get my act together? Or was I under the impression that this is all I would ever be, this is how I would die? All ridiculous notions.

Suicidal thoughts naturally entered my mind, just like they invade when I'm at my weakest. I've always been disturbingly fascinated with the thought of ending my life. But you know what - this is not the fucking time. This is my time to live, to shine, to get hit in the nuts, dammit! To make moronic mistakes, get hammered for it, make more moronic mistakes!

Part of my recent 'phase' was laziness, anasthesia zone. Most of it was the fact that I was directionless. No defined dream! Sure, there were many things that 'would be nice' but I had no compelling reason! Because I didn't know my finish line, I didn't begin the race. Whose fuckup? Mine.

All is well now. I finally have an inkling about where I want to go on this Ferrari that is my body, mind, spirit, opportunities. I'll build from there, never stop questioning. I now have made a decision - I'm in it to win it. I'm moving my ass to get what I want, and nothing will stop me. I'll go through discomfort, pain, change, learning to get so much more. For me, my family, my community.

Wishing in the past is futile. I know this, but my heart still wishes. I still don't stop that poison entering my soul; regret.

I have no idea of knowing what would have happened if I'd not had that accident. I don't know how my life would have turned out if I'd taken CS as my branch. Life would have been neither better nor worse, it just would have been different. That's all. I believe that the sum of all my life experiences is zero. Negatives and positives, goods and bads get cancelled. Every life is given an equal share of ups and downs, maybe unequally distributed. We're also given an equal amount of strength, fortitude and grace to handle it. Only harnessing these qualities is left to the individual.

So, regret is pointless. Useless. It only results in pain. It's unnecessary.

Let go.